In criminal law, theft is the illegal taking of another person's property without that person's freely-given consent. Someone who carries out an act of or makes a career of theft is known as a thief, and the act of theft is known as stealing, thieving, or sometimes filching.
-Wikipedia
Remember i was barking on about my corn a little while back and i was worried about when to harvest it as to pick it when it was ready, and i was also wondering how the fertilization of the kernels would turn out... well it looks like i don't have to worry about that any more because some thief put a solid flinching on my corn. Not only did the bastards flinch the corn they fractured the stock of the corn plants so that the other cobs would be left to grow on a wounded plant... and it looks like they stood on my new lettuce, spinach, beet and chard plantings to do so.
This all happened shortly after i ran into a corn farmer who i pressed for tips about how to know when your corn is ready... the answer is when the sheath leaves around the cob start to part and bend away from the cob the corn is ready to be harvested... i had 2 cobs ready before the first wave of flinching occurred... it started as an email alert about some sucker in the garden who lost all their peppers and i was kind of like "Phew, good thing i wasn't fool enough to grow peppers... better go water my garden"... which soon turned into "holey shit my fucking corn is gone, son of a bitch, and they fucking broke the plant... AND STOMPED MY FUCKING LETTUCE... OK this is clearly a declaration of war".
After a hard days researching places to purchase razor wire, leg hold traps, poison spikes, mace bomb and lumber to build a tree fort/ hunting blind in the popular trees behind the garden i recalled how i got that massive scar on my shin:
You can't change the world and when you set a trap you are just liable to catch yourself adding insult to injury. I ended up meeting one thief a few days ago... i say one because i believe we are dealing with multiple people due to a significant body of evidence i have accumulated through the course of my investigation. As a Man gardener born and raised in Scarborough i should have by rites laid a beating on this person, but from what i saw was that life was already doing that... so i just tried a lesson. I tried to train that person to harvest food without damaging the plant, but all i could get was a consistent denial that the person even took any food and was just looking at the garden even though i was standing 4 feet away from this person as they ate my tomatoes and walked over my beet seedlings. For a moment i felt like those suckers in Alaska who were ruined by the exxon valdez oil spill, or anybody who tried to take Monsanto to court... basically you lose and the guilty deny any wrongdoing... the good news is that i just lost some vegetables because i was dealing with a poor sociopath, where as a remorseless corporation is a rich sociopath with the court of law bought an paid for. Ok this is getting ugly... i feel hate welling.
I think i said earlier you can't change the world, as a collection of people we are just to stupid to see the light... too distracted by the carrot that is really just a mirage. So what? You have to find a way to live in it... and that is why at this time i would like to declare Corn a "negative crop" (for a community garden). What does that mean? It means that when you plant corn not only do you not get to eat the corn but the plants around the corn are susceptible to a mean clumsy foot stomping and so your yield on the corn is a gross negative. And that is the game of Man gardening... to reap rewards, not suffer troubling setbacks. My beans and broccoli are going strong but my cherry tomatoes are there saying "come over here for a feed and a stomping".
Next year there will be no corn, and the tomatoes will be planted on the edge of the garden so as not to encourage flinchers to go for a little feed and stomp. For the record we have eaten a lot of tomatoes so i can't classify it as a completely negative crop... you just have to keep on it to remove the tempting fruit as it comes ripe. i might actually experiment with a perimeter of stinging nettle around the garden but i fear for my children on that one... however i believe that learning to overcome hazards is a good parenting technique.
The garden is now 3 years old and i am afraid that it has identified itself as a food source for people who may need food more than the rest of us... perhaps we need a decoy garden beside our garden but something tells me that wouldn't fly given the fact that the city workers that care for the park have killed all of the trees by "weed eating" the bark around the base of the trees and they mowed down all of the blueberry bushes around the garden because it was the easiest thing to do (video coming).
One of those "nobody loves you" moments, but you can't let it get you down... i can buy corn, and gardening is about the thrill of being part of your food creation... being robbed is an uninspiring feeling, so you have to know your game and play it properly.
On a better note i harvested some of my celery today as we were making chili for lunch and needed some aromatic vegetables to fry in oil to set the stage for proper seasoning... bingo celery is a winner, even though it has a few known carcinogens in it's makeup... that's life in 2010. Do you know that laws have been passed that give retroactive immunity to oil companies for the carcinogens put in gasoline additives... suck it up suckers.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I have beans
The beans the kids planted are in full gear (planted late June ready early august)... beans can really surprise you as their fruit is hidden under the bean leaves. This is one of the reasons they make a good crop of course... once again a security issue... what people don't see they might not take. A nice ripe tomato is like a neon sign, but a succulent bean is hidden. Most likely a good way to protect the bean from the drying sun as it gets a chance to mature and become seed, which it will if one forgets to harvest it. Mine are a purple striated form of bush beans and they steam up in a most delectable fashion. Young beans are the tastiest and still have a delicate pod... i believe i have heard that beans are a vegetable you should eat cooked for proper digestion and nutrient harvesting... strong fibers. I prefer to steam beans and make sure to shut them down before them become over done.
Harvesting beans is another one where you have to be careful not to damage the plant... just pulling at the beans like a child might do can stress the plant by damaging the roots in the tug of war that will ensue if you choose the rouge harvesting technique. Scissors work well, but hands keep one "in touch" with the garden.
Speaking about in touch with the garden it seems that every bodies lettuce has gone bitter and some of the people with bitter lettuce polluting their plots are not aware of the problem that is plaguing them. I happened to be keenly observing the garden at 1:30 am this morning, in part due to my "Robertson vs. Slug" battle in the strawberry patch (remember big efforts are everything) when i noticed that the gardener down the street has a plot full of bitter lettuce... i was pretty sure this was a key issue the needed to be dealt with ASAP so i went and woke them up to have a little discussion. I brought a liter of stout as a friendship token but apparently this disgruntled gardener doesn't drink much and never at 1:30 am after rising from bed for what she calls an "unimportant issue". When i asked her if she sugared her lettuce she just looked at me... i like to think of it as a moment of enlightenment, and i explained to her the possibilities and the next thing you know she figured it was time for a glass of stout... although i failed in my quest for a late night re-plant we did share some philosophies and i was enlightened to the point where i realized that not everybody thinks the way i do.
Not all are like my apprentice... the new fellow who took over that plot that i had taken over... to keep names non public lets call him "old Tim old sport". This guy is going to make a good gardener, he has the heart of a farmer... when he is standing there munching some fresh produce picked seconds before he is in awe of the flavour and power of life. That is the fire one needs... it's cool to say you have a garden in our new corn fed horse shit society, but it is completely another animal to have your fire stoked by your love of delicious cheap food. You can see it in the garden all the time... people come out like gangbusters in the spring and by fall (harvest time) they have forgotten and the food goes back into the ground, which is natural but wrong in this situation.
When to harvest Corn?
it might be time soon.. i have never grown corn before as i have heard it takes a few rows side by side for proper pollination... time is the hunter on that. Will my corn have just a few kernels here and there, or will i be gloating like a rooster at the crack of dawn with a gut full of corn. The problem is i don't have that much... i don't want to harvest too early... i am a corn rookie, but i won't forget what happens.
Harvesting beans is another one where you have to be careful not to damage the plant... just pulling at the beans like a child might do can stress the plant by damaging the roots in the tug of war that will ensue if you choose the rouge harvesting technique. Scissors work well, but hands keep one "in touch" with the garden.
Speaking about in touch with the garden it seems that every bodies lettuce has gone bitter and some of the people with bitter lettuce polluting their plots are not aware of the problem that is plaguing them. I happened to be keenly observing the garden at 1:30 am this morning, in part due to my "Robertson vs. Slug" battle in the strawberry patch (remember big efforts are everything) when i noticed that the gardener down the street has a plot full of bitter lettuce... i was pretty sure this was a key issue the needed to be dealt with ASAP so i went and woke them up to have a little discussion. I brought a liter of stout as a friendship token but apparently this disgruntled gardener doesn't drink much and never at 1:30 am after rising from bed for what she calls an "unimportant issue". When i asked her if she sugared her lettuce she just looked at me... i like to think of it as a moment of enlightenment, and i explained to her the possibilities and the next thing you know she figured it was time for a glass of stout... although i failed in my quest for a late night re-plant we did share some philosophies and i was enlightened to the point where i realized that not everybody thinks the way i do.
Not all are like my apprentice... the new fellow who took over that plot that i had taken over... to keep names non public lets call him "old Tim old sport". This guy is going to make a good gardener, he has the heart of a farmer... when he is standing there munching some fresh produce picked seconds before he is in awe of the flavour and power of life. That is the fire one needs... it's cool to say you have a garden in our new corn fed horse shit society, but it is completely another animal to have your fire stoked by your love of delicious cheap food. You can see it in the garden all the time... people come out like gangbusters in the spring and by fall (harvest time) they have forgotten and the food goes back into the ground, which is natural but wrong in this situation.
When to harvest Corn?
it might be time soon.. i have never grown corn before as i have heard it takes a few rows side by side for proper pollination... time is the hunter on that. Will my corn have just a few kernels here and there, or will i be gloating like a rooster at the crack of dawn with a gut full of corn. The problem is i don't have that much... i don't want to harvest too early... i am a corn rookie, but i won't forget what happens.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
in the old days i would sugar the lettuce
Ok people what happens to lettuce when it gets too old? It becomes bitter is the answer. You can see when you pick it that there is a white milky substance that appears when you rip it and it means your lettuce is done, and if you forgot to plant new lettuce like 25 days ago then you are going to be off the lettuce for a bit.
This is the situation i find myself in... when i was a younger "boy" gardener i thought i was a genius and would just sugar coat the lettuce telling myself that it was still good. It was a good effort and even i have to admire the effort of "not losing"... kind of like when you are down 3-2 in a game and your net is empty for the extra attacker and the other teams best player gets a clear break away on the empty net but you still try to chase them down hoping that maybe just maybe a mistake might be made and you can take the puck and go coast to coast and tie up the score. You have to remember that things that are unpalatable often don't digest well so an extra coating of sugar isn't always the best route to go. That is why gardening is a sport of patience and preparation, and cutting corners and going off the game plan can be a fatal turn of events. Sure we have peas in abundance, onions coming out the ying yang, steady beet and broccoli production, corn coming and the tomato and bean surge is almost on us... but why drop the ball on the lettuce?
Does the man gardener think he is so great that lettuce seeds are going to fall magically from the sky, ahead of time for proper feasting? You would think so with this clearly negligent behaviour... i should not be re-learning these lessons again, but i am and that is the life of a gardener. At this time of year things are going crazy and you are overwhelmed with your bounty and it's all positive thoughts, and that's when you make your mistakes... being on the case is everything when it comes to growing food. So i ripped out the great lettuce patch that was by the strawberry failure in a quick burst of "savage attack weeding" and within seconds the wasps were in there like lions on a water buffalo kill by a waning drinking hole in the dry season... i stayed calm and at one with the plants and the garden keeping on my course and allowed the scavenging to continue and in the end i cleared some land for planting and some wasps are now nighting down with bloated abdomens. As a side note because the great lettuce patch (of mixed lettuce) was planted a little tight at the base of the roots was a woody stalk probably to give the lettuce a Darwinian height advantage... bottom line is that the plants wanted to seed and they didn't need some hungry ass hole plucking at their leaves so they took care of it and became unpalatable, or at least non-gourmet... and in so doing they are now compost... and if a wasp did sting me i would stomp that fucker into a paste.
My daughter, or one of them for that matter, washed the onions with the hose to clean the dirt away and they are now set out on newspaper in the garage to dry. The onion patch on the other side of the strawberry failure is now more cleared ground for beets chard and some more lettuce. Lettuce in Vancouver should grow well into November so there is still plenty of game left...
The garden community has responded well to my travesty... i find if you stand in front of a Gardner and tear a strip off yourself for your lettuce failure there is a good chance that they planted too much lettuce and will offer you a chance to harvest some of theirs. Also now is the time many casual Gardeners go off on vacation and look to a professional like myself to lay down some hard core soakings on their plot... sometimes gardens need soakings and a little thinning.
This is the situation i find myself in... when i was a younger "boy" gardener i thought i was a genius and would just sugar coat the lettuce telling myself that it was still good. It was a good effort and even i have to admire the effort of "not losing"... kind of like when you are down 3-2 in a game and your net is empty for the extra attacker and the other teams best player gets a clear break away on the empty net but you still try to chase them down hoping that maybe just maybe a mistake might be made and you can take the puck and go coast to coast and tie up the score. You have to remember that things that are unpalatable often don't digest well so an extra coating of sugar isn't always the best route to go. That is why gardening is a sport of patience and preparation, and cutting corners and going off the game plan can be a fatal turn of events. Sure we have peas in abundance, onions coming out the ying yang, steady beet and broccoli production, corn coming and the tomato and bean surge is almost on us... but why drop the ball on the lettuce?
Does the man gardener think he is so great that lettuce seeds are going to fall magically from the sky, ahead of time for proper feasting? You would think so with this clearly negligent behaviour... i should not be re-learning these lessons again, but i am and that is the life of a gardener. At this time of year things are going crazy and you are overwhelmed with your bounty and it's all positive thoughts, and that's when you make your mistakes... being on the case is everything when it comes to growing food. So i ripped out the great lettuce patch that was by the strawberry failure in a quick burst of "savage attack weeding" and within seconds the wasps were in there like lions on a water buffalo kill by a waning drinking hole in the dry season... i stayed calm and at one with the plants and the garden keeping on my course and allowed the scavenging to continue and in the end i cleared some land for planting and some wasps are now nighting down with bloated abdomens. As a side note because the great lettuce patch (of mixed lettuce) was planted a little tight at the base of the roots was a woody stalk probably to give the lettuce a Darwinian height advantage... bottom line is that the plants wanted to seed and they didn't need some hungry ass hole plucking at their leaves so they took care of it and became unpalatable, or at least non-gourmet... and in so doing they are now compost... and if a wasp did sting me i would stomp that fucker into a paste.
My daughter, or one of them for that matter, washed the onions with the hose to clean the dirt away and they are now set out on newspaper in the garage to dry. The onion patch on the other side of the strawberry failure is now more cleared ground for beets chard and some more lettuce. Lettuce in Vancouver should grow well into November so there is still plenty of game left...
The garden community has responded well to my travesty... i find if you stand in front of a Gardner and tear a strip off yourself for your lettuce failure there is a good chance that they planted too much lettuce and will offer you a chance to harvest some of theirs. Also now is the time many casual Gardeners go off on vacation and look to a professional like myself to lay down some hard core soakings on their plot... sometimes gardens need soakings and a little thinning.
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